Editions of Me

Sitting alone in my room. I'm never really sure what to do with myself on Christmas Day, since I often get restless sitting around my house, and there's never really anything to do, since every place is closed and I can't go anywhere. I should be in Portland right now, but the weather was so bad that my flight got canceled, and while it hasn't been TERRIBLE staying here, I would much rather be up there. It wasn't just about getting away - it was going to be a test. I'm still wavering between whether I want to move or stay, and going there for Christmas was going to be my chance to really envision myself there and picture how things would be (because it really WOULD just be me and Khoa, with no parents), and I was going to use this trip to make my decision. But now I don't know, and I don't have time to go up there again, really, and all these deadlines are closing in... :( I long to go, but I also long to stay. Why does this have to be so hard? I lov...

Yeah, that's me trying to look badass. In Malabrigo and holiday colors :) I started my decreasing a couple rows early, since I was starting to run out of yarn, and didn’t want to start a whole new skein just to do a couple rows. As it turns out, I probably could’ve done those rows. The hat is kinda stiff and sproingy. Note to self - use 11’s with this yarn. I have a whole other skein left, so I might redo this one on 11's, and just do 2x2 rib all the way... or, just switch to stockinette. I like slouch.

Mystery Beret by Woolly Wormhead Awesomely easy pattern, though I'm too scatterbrained for lace-knitting, I think. I keep missing YOs and decreases and such. Gia's - made with Blue Sky Alpacas Dyed Cotton Maecy's - made with Dream in Color Classy

This time of year always makes me feel good. Lots of candy and cookies. Lots of love all around. A really great feeling of peace and well-being. I'm going to Portland on Sunday night, and I think if I come back and still feel like I should stay here, then I will definitely stay here. Also... *cryptically* I did not get all the answers I wanted to get, but what I did get will suffice. For now. Ca suffit .

Reasons to Stay: - The big one: I love my job at MHS. I love my colleagues. I love my students (most of them). I love my duties as class advisor. I love being involved with Link Crew. Kathy is probably the best department chair I'll ever find anywhere. Also, I'm tenured now. If I were to raise a family in a new place, I'd want to wait until I have tenure again, which is another couple of years. - My entire family is down here right now. - Jimmy will undoubtedly move if I move, and if he moves, he's sure to have to struggle a lot more than if he stays here. Ultimately, it's his decision, and I can't let it affect me, but then again, I will definitely be the only person he can turn to for help, so it does affect me. And I should take that into consideration. I don't exist in a vacuum. And Rups could live at home and have a real backyard. - All of these people: Teresa, Sanjit, Lily, Skyler, Castro, Lisa, Harrison, Kathy, Matt, Diane. - Michael and Ginger e...

argh. just argh.

Darlin' you've got to let me know... Should I stay or should I go?

I finished two new hats this weekend: The "In an Evening" Toque" This was made with Mirasol Sulka on size 11's. Totally the most heavenly yarn ever. Mirasol might be my favorite yarn company. The Side Slip Cloche Rowan RYC Soft Lux on size 8's (instead of 5's) - I wanted it loose. It's totally cute. I knitted it with less slouch than called for because... I was lazy. I wanted to finish it. I barely used the second skein, so I think I'll make some girly wristwarmers. (That's what the pattern is called, actually.) It's so cold in my house that my hands can barely type this.

Triple-Choc Beanie Kraemer Alpaca Bulky, 1 sk Sz 10.5 needles Fountain Hat Mirasol Miski (I LOVE THIS YARN), 1.5 sks Sz 6, 8, and 15 needles (and all in between), as per instructions Knucks Cascade 220 Superwash, 1 sk (still working on the second one) Sz 5 needles Woo! I've been busy! Still more to come.

Today I am 26. Without a doubt I'm an adult - I have been for a while, but I'm moving towards the years where I won't even have the excuse of youth to make mistakes or go wild or just be generally uncertain. Well, I'm sure people in their 30's do all of the above (and quite often at that), but by the time you get to that age, no one says, "Oh, she's young... she'll learn." At that age, all of that stuff somehow becomes the result of a choice made along the way and not an impulse or an accident. And I'm excited about it. I've never been afraid of getting older because I feel like I'm on a constant quest to be respected and taken seriously. I feel like, since I still look like a kid, I still get treated like a kid sometimes, and that can get really irritating, since I've always been a fairly serious person and am more focused in my life than many people who are older than I am. This past year has been quite an eventful one for me - I ...

I've been sick for about three weeks now. I've been coughing SO much, SO painfully... last night I was up until 3 in the morning coughing. I'm fairly miserable. As a result, everything in my life feels just kind of uninspired now - work, knitting, dieting... I have no will to do ANYTHING. Just staying awake requires so much energy and creates so much heartache that I wish I could just sit at my desk with my head down for the day. Unfortunately, my kids require tight reins - not that I've been able to KEEP those reins tight with my abounding apathy towards life lately. The ridiculous thing is, things are otherwise going WELL for me - I just bought a condo (my very first home!), I'm about to join a band, Twilight is coming out, I'm getting my tattoo finished... why am I not the most cheerful person in the world right now? Well, if you were coughing so hard that the blood vessels in your eyeballs felt like they were going to explode, you'd be miserable too.

... it's because you must have really wanted to find it.