Editions of Me

In the late spring/early summer of 2017, after months of trying, I found myself pregnant for only the second time in my life. We discovered soon after that the pregnancy was ectopic, and I had emergency surgery to remove an ovary. Had the pregnancy been normal and healthy, the baby would have been due at the end of January 2018, so... I would have a kid turning 1 right about now. ----- This past spring/summer, I managed to get pregnant again. And my heart broke a second time when it ended in miscarriage. Had the pregnancy been normal and healthy, the baby would have been due at the beginning of February 2019, so... I would be waddling around, very nearly full term right about now. ----- Instead of a birthday or a due date circled on my calendar, I have put a star by February 1st, the day that registration for USPA Nationals opens. I've been talking about going to Nationals since the dates were first announced a couple months ago, but the thing that has gone unspoken

In 2017, a few months after I had first moved up here to Oregon, I was signed up to do a springtime meet. But I dropped out because I wasn't able to commit to training, and I didn't want to show up with anything less than my best. Like, I couldn't fathom the idea of competing and not going all out, so I didn't want to do it at all, even though I could've probably broken records and made a decent showing. Can you relate? I think there are a lot of us who are like, "If I can't be awesome, I don't even want to try." Admittedly, it's probably not the best way to go through life, but that's kind of how I've always been. Yesterday, however, I did that very thing: I showed up to a meet untrained, under-rested, and still trying to get over a cold and cough. You know, after a WEEK of stressing out about my students' grades, the end of the semester coming up, and the piles of essays waiting for me at home. I signed up for this meet a

This is me. For better or for worse. Being a (cishet) woman in powerlifting has been an interesting experience so far. Among my own personal circle within the lifting community, it's been great. Everyone I know and have lifted with has been really supportive and encouraging. I've never had a man get upset at the fact that I am strong. (At least, not to my face or in any way that has gotten back to me.) I have always been approached with respect and kindness. I feel valued and strong. I feel empowered. Looking at the larger community of powerlifting on social media, I feel... less so. Granted, social media (and mainstream media) has this effect on everyone regardless of what hobby or interest you're talking about, but even within the powerlifting community, I constantly feel like I am not good enough. It's interesting, because you would THINK that even among the current powerlifting scene, where women are being welcomed more and more, where the fashion-model bo