"If someone talked to you, the way you do to you, I'd put their teeth through. Love yourself." - IDLES
As a teacher, I've found that it's very easy to be compassionate about other people's differences, but it's difficult to extend that grace to myself. And this is not because I'm being disingenuous about other people, but because I have a tendency to gaslight myself (probably because I've been gaslit somehow by someone else). Something that might be a reason for someone else is an excuse for me, because it's easier for me to believe that I'm just failing at life, rather than someone who might also need compassion or even accommodations.
Case in point: I have long believed that I might have inattentive ADHD. I know, I know, the internet is not a substitute for an official diagnosis, but the fact that I so strongly identify with everything I have read about the condition, and that I remember exhibiting many of these symptoms from a young age (like elementary school), really leads me to believe that that's how my brain works. Like, I read the list of signs and symptoms, and I breathed a sigh of relief because I finally felt like I had an answer. (I've gotten good grades all my life, I'm not hyperactive, and I come from an immigrant family, so who would have thought to ask questions?)
Why don't I get tested? Honestly, because I'm afraid that I'll be told that I don't have it, and that everything that might explain my difficulties and my brain processes can really only be chalked up to me being a general failure at things.
But why would I think that about myself? Why is it easier to accept that I'm incapable, rather than that I inherently just function a little differently and that other people need to understand that about me?
Another case in point: I have constant headaches (sinus headaches from allergies, I believe), and constant digestive trouble. But I'm constantly just waving off my symptoms, like, "It's fine, I'll just tough it out," or "It's just something I ate," instead of recognizing that these are by definition chronic conditions that affect my ability to function sometimes. Why do I do that? I might not be needing hospitalization, but sometimes the pain is debilitating. Needing to take as much sick leave as I do? That's not a sign of "fine."
I'm slowly learning to accept these things about myself, and to give myself grace for them. I am slowly realizing that, official diagnosis or no, my body and mind are different, and I need to make allowances for that. I need to stop telling myself that I'm "fine" and I need to just get over it and tough it out, because I would never, ever tell that to someone else--not a stranger, not a friend, and certainly not a student. So why would I tell that to myself?