What happens now?

Thanks, Kaiser. :/

Last week I finally went in to Orthopedics to have my knee checked out by an actual sports doctor. I'm pretty sure my knee issues have been widely chronicled on my blog - I haven't been able to run for weeks because I just keep getting pains in my knee, and it's clear that it's not a bone or ligament issue.

The ortho advised me to get an MRI so we could see if it's a meniscus issue (which is what Steve thinks), and she also told me that I'm developing osteoarthritis that my knee, besides. This means that I can "jog lightly a couple times a week," but I should stay away from marathoning, because my knee will not be able to handle that type of high-volume training anymore.

"It's not the happiest news I can tell you, I'm sorry."

Sigh.

So I'm not doing much of any running right now. Nor will I for the forseeable future, as I've got a lifting competition in November, and I don't want to risk messing anything up for that.

But never running a marathon again? NEVER? I know I've only run three, but I feel like a little part of me just died hearing that.

The second she said that, my mind started immediately going through all my failed attempts to train, and all my missed opportunities. What if I had tried harder those other times? I would have more than three under my belt. What if I had stuck through my training earlier this year? What if I hadn't taken those two months off during the summer?

I don't know how much I can actually run. (I suppose I'll know more after my MRI.) Like, okay, yeah, I can't run marathons anymore, but I can run half marathons, right? Is that okay? Or do I have to stick to 5k's the rest of my life? (And believe me, I don't knock the 5k. Doing it well is an art form.)

First I've had to give up derby to salvage my knee for running. Now I have to give up running. Two things that were a big part of who I am are no longer allowed to be a part of my life (at least, the way that they were). So what does that make me? Who am I now that I can't do these things?

I'm sure things will be fine, and I'm sure I'll find my way. But right now... I'm sad thinking about my running shoes collecting dust in the corner at my house. I miss running. I didn't realize how much I missed running until I realized I couldn't do it anymore.