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| For me, actually "nothing" is quite impossible |
I told myself that this would be a good time to take time off, to let the dust settle and then figure out what I want to do with myself (whether that involves teaching or not), but the truth is, I have a very hard time sitting still.
I know that I have in the past overloaded myself to the point of stress tears and exhaustion, but in truth, I feel much better being overly busy.
Case in point: I am much more prone to bouts of depression when I'm injured/sick and can't work out or even leave the house. It was so hard for me to work full days and then show up at the gym or derby practice (or wake up early the next morning for a run), but if I'm being honest, that's when I was the least unhappy. I may have been exhausted beyond belief, but at least I felt like I was DOING something. I felt like I had some sort of purpose to my day.
At this point, we haven't even been here a month yet. We still have lots of unpacking and cleanup to do, and yes, I should go do that. But this whole "being unemployed" thing does not sit well with me. I know that any normal year, I would be at school right now (literally, right now - I'd be on campus at this particular second), wishing that it was still summer. Except that this year, I technically AM still having summer, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I should be doing something.
I'm not complaining that I have nothing to do. I have LOTS to do, and I'm not bored. It's more like, nothing that I AM doing right now is satisfying my need to "serve a purpose," if that makes any sense. I've lived my adult life with this relentless need to fill up my calendar and push forward, and at the moment, I don't have any goals or endgames in mind, so my planner pages and my days feel a little empty.
I'm sure I sound like a jerk, and that there are a lot of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat so that they can have a chance to relax and do nothing. I don't know what to say, other than I apologize for being a jerk, but I am profoundly unable to relax and do nothing, at least, for extended periods of time.
I'm even terrible at vacationing. My parents like to take relaxing tropical vacations fairly often, and I haven't joined them since I was a teenager, because after the first day, I get restless. Actually, it doesn't even take a full day - after about 15 minutes of sitting in a lounge chair, I have to get up and go walk around or explore or something. (And also, I don't like hot weather or direct sunlight.)
When I think back to any trips I've taken in the last five years, they've all been centered around athletic events or they have been to busy places like Disneyland. Even when I've come up to Portland over the last few years, I've had to jam-pack my days or else I would start to feel antsy. As much as I've complained about needing a breather, I honestly don't know how to sit down and breathe.
This is a rough space for me to be navigating right now. I'm uncertain of my future professionally and even athletically, and not having the pressure of work or training for an event is actually more pressure than having them.
So why don't I just find a job then? Why don't I find something to train for and start doing it? Believe me, I've been having fits of panicked job-searching. But I'm also trying to remind myself that I haven't even been here a month yet. We still have boxes to unpack. Jolie hasn't started school yet. I should take a damn breather and slooooooooow down. I know logically that I should treat this time as the blessing and the privilege that it is and take full advantage of the fact that I can take time off, but it's hard to change who I am, someone who has kept herself REALLY busy for the last decade, who has suddenly found herself in a whole new life.