As an adult, I've worked really hard to unlearn a lot of harmful attitudes. Things like racism, diet culture, rape culture/misogyny---they are pervasive in our society, like pollution in the air, and even if you're not actively seeking out spaces where those attitudes are rife, you're still kinda steeping in them, and it takes self-awareness and initiative to work on unlearning them. I'm not saying that I'm perfect now or anything, but I know I'm in a different place than I was before I started, and I can tell the difference.
Some things I haven't been able to unlearn though--for example, the idea of linking your productivity with your self-worth.
Interestingly, when it comes to anyone ELSE, I am all for self-care and doing what works for you: how much money you make, whether you have a job or not, it doesn't matter and should not determine your value as a human being. I will be the first in line to tell that to friends, family, colleagues, students, even strangers on the internet (if asked).
However, when it comes to myself? I feel like the scummiest of scum every time I need to take a sick day from work (which is a lot, because in addition to currently being pregnant, I'm sure I have any number of undiagnosed mental or physical conditions that just make day-to-day living hard). I feel like taking time to rest means that I'm not pulling my weight, and I feel guilty and lesser-than, and "everyone else manages to make it through the year without using up all their sick days, so why can't I?", and all that stuff. I don't know why, but I can't seem to include myself in the grace that I give to everyone else for the exact same thing. If a colleague has been absent more than a day? I'm like, "Oh no! I hope they're okay!" If I'M absent more than a day? "OMG, I'm a jerk, and I don't deserve to be called a professional."
Where does this even come from? (I mean, besides the fact that we live in an intensely capitalist society where you ARE defined by your productivity, pretty much? And besides the fact that specifically I'm in a profession where working beyond your contract hours is the norm?)
Let's start with my cultural background. (I'm not saying that ONLY Asian cultures are like this, but it's the only one I have the authority to speak on, since it's my background. YMMV.) Asians for the most part have traditionally NOT believed in making allowances for mental health especially, but sometimes also physical health as well (as far as chronic conditions go). You are either strong enough to deal with things, and you DEAL. And if you're not strong enough, it's because of something you did. Especially as immigrants in the US, Asians work, and work, and work, and work, because that's how you survive and succeed, and the idea that things like depression, anxiety, ADHD, chronic illness are conditions that just happen to people sometimes, and that need to be taken care of, is, like, OMG WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. Suck it up and get back to work. Therapy is an indulgence. Anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds mean you're weak, and you need to not be weak, because it's a tough world out there that's not going to baby you.
Things are changing, of course, as far as Asian-American life (I can't speak to what the attitudes currently are in Vietnam), but those changes feel like they've only come recently.
I am about 95% sure that I have undiagnosed inattentive-type ADHD. (And yes, I know, I can't just diagnose myself based on internet memes, but when you identify with about 95% of the symptoms they describe, and you KNOW you've been experiencing them since you were a kid, you start to wonder...) HOWEVER... I am a girl (woman), who is a child of immigrants, who was school-aged in the late 80s. That sentence right there contains a number of reasons why my teachers and parents would have never thought anything was amiss. The research is out there, but ADHD tends to be under-diagnosed in girls, because symptoms tend to present differently, and as a daughter of immigrants, I worked really hard to get good grades because I was (still am) a people pleaser and scared to death of failure. No one would have ever thought that maybe I might be neurodivergent. In fact, teachers tended to tell my parents that maybe I was bored (I was identified as TAG, or GATE as it was called back then) and wasn't putting in enough effort. I just needed to try harder.
So what does this mean? It means that now, as an adult, I second-guess myself constantly. Every time I experience a bout of executive dysfunction, which I now know is a THING, my first instinct is always to tell myself to stop being lazy. Every time I take a day off for anything short of vomiting (like today, for example), I feel really, really awful, even though I have had plenty of days where I went to work sick and then really regretted it.
I don't know how to shake this, because logically, I know that I would never judge someone else for being in the same position that I'm in, so why do I continue to judge myself so harshly? How do you unlearn this?
And then take a look at today's pervasive Hustle Culture, where everyone finds a way to monetize everything, and millionaires under 30 are praised and talked about in lists, and success is not defined by joy, but by dollar signs.
"Why don't you sell your knits?" people tend to ask me. "I bet you'd make a ton of money."
"You should do private tutoring after school. That can pay a lot."
"You should get your admin credential and become a principal. They make a lot more money than teachers."
Nevermind that all of these things require more time and energy than I even have to give. Nevermind that I'm not interested anyway.
I get it, though. Our system sucks, and most people aren't making enough to live on, and we need our coins however we can get them. But the downside is, especially with monetizing hobbies, we're asking people to define themselves, again, by how much they make, how much they produce.
I want to get away from that. I want a world where we all have inherent value, no matter what our jobs are, and we can appreciate each other as diverse and beautiful human beings. Because implied in judging our worth based on our careers is the judgment of those who don't have careers, who don't "produce," and I feel like there's something wrong with that. There HAS to be more to life than how much work someone can "get" out of you or how much profit you generate. And honestly, any one of us is one serious accident or illness away from not being able to work anyhow.
I know all of these things, logically. But I'm still having a hard time not feeling bad about taking time that I need for myself.