Editions of Me

 As an adult, I've worked really hard to unlearn a lot of harmful attitudes. Things like racism, diet culture, rape culture/misogyny---they are pervasive in our society, like pollution in the air, and even if you're not actively seeking out spaces where those attitudes are rife, you're still kinda steeping in them, and it takes self-awareness and initiative to work on unlearning them. I'm not saying that I'm perfect now or anything, but I know I'm in a different place than I was before I started, and I can tell the difference. Some things I haven't been able to unlearn though--for example, the idea of linking your productivity with your self-worth. Interestingly, when it comes to anyone ELSE, I am all for self-care and doing what works for you: how much money you make, whether you have a job or not, it doesn't matter and should not determine your value as a human being. I will be the first in line to tell that to friends, family, colleagues, students, ev...

 I am 25 weeks pregnant today.  This is my third child, and I've learned a few things: Truly, no pregnancy is the same. Being pregnant with Benny felt like a Herculean effort, from the two losses we experienced before we finally conceived him, to being pregnant during the pandemic closure, to having PUPP rash and all that. Getting pregnant this time was almost too  easy-- we were successful on the first cycle, and I learned at an ultrasound that I had ovulated from the side where my Fallopian tube had been removed , so I guess the tube on the OTHER SIDE of my uterus had managed to pull in that egg like a vacuum cleaner or a magnet. (I have read that that can happen, but I never really believed it!) I am still dealing with gestational diabetes this time, as well as having to do weekly progesterone injections, but aside from that, I feel like I'm cruising along (even though I did actually contract COVID this summer and that was miserable). First trimester is such a lonely t...

My brother and sister-in-law love to travel. I am the complete opposite--I'm a complete homebody, I like to stay indoors, and the unfamiliar gives me anxiety. However, one thing on our common bucket lists is to see Vietnam, especially the cities our family are from. Unfortunately, with a young child, that's not going to happen for me anytime soon (I am not traveling to another continent with a toddler, sorry), but my brother and SIL are definitely in a position to go relatively soon, and are working on planning a trip with our parents. Last week, they were showing us some travel vlogs from Americans visiting Ho Chi Minh City (aka, Saigon). Scrolling through the YouTube search results, we were seeing, well, a lot of white travel vloggers, and this had me feeling some type of way. These white Americans have been to my home country, and I have not.  In that moment, I felt a weird sort of possessiveness, and a sense of shame.  But... like... can I even call it my home country? My ...

I have long been frustrated with Facebook, and recently I decided to deactivate my account. (Not completely delete, so my FB friends can still reach me via Messenger.) It started a while ago, when over a relatively short amount of time, I went from about 800 friends down to 80. When I was still involved in roller derby, I used FB a lot for networking with other skaters and teams, as the Interleague Liaison for my own league, so there were a lot of people whom I had known casually, mixed in with people who were my best friends, people I went to high school/college/etc. with (including some former teachers), family members, etc.  I am lucky to be friends with a lot of cool people who get along with each other (and have even become good friends with each other!), but inevitably, when you put a bunch of people in a room together, there is bound to be some disagreement between people. And especially on social media, engagement is paramount, so people will share things that are clickbait...

"If someone talked to you, the way you do to you, I'd put their teeth through. Love yourself." - IDLES As a teacher, I've found that it's very easy to be compassionate about other people's differences, but it's difficult to extend that grace to myself. And this is not because I'm being disingenuous about other people, but because I have a tendency to gaslight myself (probably because I've been gaslit somehow by someone else). Something that might be a reason  for someone else is an excuse  for me, because it's easier for me to believe that I'm just failing at life, rather than someone who might also need compassion or even accommodations. Case in point: I have long believed that I might have inattentive ADHD. I know, I know, the internet is not a substitute for an official diagnosis, but the fact that I so strongly identify with everything I have read about the condition, and that I remember exhibiting many of these symptoms from a young ag...

I've been taking Sew Liberated's series of Learn to Sew courses , and I've been busy!!  Sewing makes me feel... complete. Like, even though so far I can only make four things (a top, bottoms, a skirt, and a dress), I now possess the skills to make an entire outfit. (I mean, YES, I could've knit myself pants or a skirt or a dress, but I'm not that much a fan of knit bottoms.) I love that sewing is a lot faster than knitting, so it really is great for my instant-gratification needs--things go from "materials" to "ready to wear" SO quickly! And I'm learning a lot about garment construction, fabric, and how to make alterations for myself, both before and after sewing. Moreover, as I said in a previous post, sewing and knitting give me a sense of peace. When I'm working on projects, I'm not scrolling on social media. I might listen to podcasts or audiobooks, but I'm not otherwise putting myself in a position to feel aggravated, stresse...

Recently on an episode of The Maintenance Phase , one of my favorite podcasts, hosts Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes had queried their listeners about fad diets they had tried, and not at all to my surprise, I recognized every single one. And it got me thinking about all of my different attempts at weight loss as well, some of which I've even chronicled on this blog: Slim Fast (and other meal replacement diets, including the Special K Diet) Weight Watchers Jenny Craig Nutrisystem Whole30/the Paleo Diet Intermittent Fasting the Change One diet (I could be remembering the name wrong) the Abs Diet (I could also be remembering the name wrong, but I think it had a bright orange cover) a number of different diet pills/diet pill regimens plus any number of nameless meal plans recommended in various magazines and fitness athletes I'm sure there are some I've forgotten. I also tried being vegetarian for a month, just for health reasons, but that didn't work.  And where did they...

  a nearly-finished sweater I'm not going to lie, friends. Things have been rough for me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I've been stuck in a feedback loop of stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, and feeling sick (not Covid, so far), culminating in me taking a few days off in a row because at some point, something has to give. I've been throwing myself into arts and crafts, as a way to deal with it all. I'm still knitting a ton, but I've also been taking art classes through Domestika and sewing courses through Sew Liberated , and journaling, and also, I even made pho for myself yesterday, for the first time in a really long time. There is something restorative in the act of creating something (or planning to create something, as I'm still waiting on new sewing supplies and figuring out how to stash-bust).  But it has to be creating something from a place of peace---I know that lots of artisans and crafters enjoy turning their passions into their work, but fo...